True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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