I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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