I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Randomize
