I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
A bitchslap is in order.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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