Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
