my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
