I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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