Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
