i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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