So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
