Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
