Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
