My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
