eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
