Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
