I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
