i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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