do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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