Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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