I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
