no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Randomize
