if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Randomize
