1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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