Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
