Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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