I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Randomize
