8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
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