If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize