My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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