I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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