No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
