The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
