Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
