Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
