Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
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