she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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