the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
