My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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