The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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