my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
