Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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