I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
