she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
