You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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