his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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