So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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