Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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