So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
