I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
This is the prime rib incident all over again
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Randomize
