Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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