i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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