he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
