And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Randomize
