Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
