This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Randomize
