and next time when you feel me up, do it right
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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