I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
