she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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