Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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