She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
