And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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