yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
