no but I have been chillin' like em' homeboys in the rainforest yo!
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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