I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
