I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
