I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
