I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
