My sheets look like a crime scene.
wanna go halves on a baby?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize