meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
